Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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