The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
