i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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