whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
