so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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