It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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