My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
