I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
