Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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