Yo dont text me then not text me
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
