We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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