I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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