did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
