Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Apparently you make a good broom.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
