The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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