I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
why do cheetos always look like penises
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
