Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
