Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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