started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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