I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
