So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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