Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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