At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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