I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
