i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
