My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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