You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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