I'm going to jail i love you
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
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I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
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We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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