Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
