i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
