dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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