is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
