Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
