You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
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Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
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Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize