The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
