Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
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