remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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