I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
