i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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