I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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