New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
