decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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