I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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