totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
