Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
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