I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
