he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
