a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
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What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
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We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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