Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
