Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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