You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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