this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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