and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
