i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
