I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
