Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Barsexuality is the new black.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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